It is a great daily read on being a parent. Full inspirational stories, historical anecdotes, and other book recommendations. Here are my notes from “The Daily Dad” by Ryan Holiday.
I hold my children, and I hold my wife, and I know that they will die. And I know that it could happen before I die. So I know that our time together is finite. It will end. And so I appreciate them so much more. I marvel at the fact that these particular collections of cells coalesced around these souls for a temporary period, and I’m so lucky to get to be here at the same time as the little collection of cells and bones and nostril hairs. And so I really make the most of it in a way I didn’t before. And I wish that that skill didn’t come from something so painful. But it did. That was the price tag for me to receive that gift. And now I have it, and I appreciate it.
– Rob Delaney
I didn’t see why it had to be either/or. . . . If you have a job in the daytime, you write at night. It’s all a question of how much you want to do it.
— Margaret Atwood
A parent who faces the fact that they can lose a child at any moment is a parent who is present. They don’t rush through bedtime. They see it as the gift that it is. They don’t hold on to stupid things. A great parent looks at the cruel world and says, “I know what you can do to my family in the future, but for the moment you’ve spared me. I will not take that for granted.”
On behavior
When you see behavior and attitude problems, adjust your energy. Look in the mirror first. If you want a happy home, a home with kindness and love and peace, then bring that energy with you. Project it consciously and deliberately—show that things are good with you, and they will be better with everyone else.
**
The primary language of children is behavior. Not words. If you want to know what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling, watch what they do, not what they say.
**
We have to watch them. We have to be patient==. We have to understand that a screaming tantrum about the iPad is almost certainly about something else. We have to understand that lethargy and sliding grades are statements; they are symptoms. It’s your child speaking to you through behavior. ==
Will you hear them? Will you be able to talk to them about it, not just with your words but with your own actions?
**
In 2014, researchers from Ohio State University found that most fights between couples are because someone is hungry. So, like taking a walk or taking five deep breaths, grabbing something to eat will probably solve most of your adult problems too.
**
The sad truth is that most of what we’re preoccupied with doesn’t even matter. We give the jerk at the office free space in our head. We choose to go on Twitter and doomscroll. We don’t need to check our email as much as we do. Worrying about money never solves our money problems.
We have to push all that stuff away. So we can be present. So we can be patient. So we can be parents.
On punishment and patience
Old people are always very impatient with young ones. Fathers always expect their sons to have their virtues without their faults.
—Winston Churchill
And to punish them with our unrealistic expectations, even unintentionally, quite literally for the sins of the father, is profoundly unfair.
Our job is to love them and to be patient with them, not to demand the impossible from them.
**
To raise your hand, open or closed, to your spouse or your children is unacceptable.
It doesn’t matter how angry you are. It doesn’t matter who started it. It doesn’t matter how many times you told your son. It doesn’t
**
It’s a reminder that before you write yourself off as a terrible parent because your kid challenged you or because they had a meltdown, ==consider what it means that they feel comfortable doing that in front of you.==
**
You can gently unwrap their arms from your throat. You can get a new shirt. You can turn the game around and chase them instead. You can make what was annoying become fun. You can talk to them calmly, correct them, and then gently turn the pain into a moment of profound connection. That’s entirely up to you.
**
No excuses. No double standards. Watch yourself as you’d watch a nanny cam. Trust but verify, just as you would a new school or day care. Ask yourself: ==Would I let anyone else get away with what I’m doing right now?==
**
You probably will have to address whatever has made your blood boil. You will have to say something. Your kids do need to learn that lying is not acceptable, talking back to their mother will not be tolerated, leaving the stove on could burn the house down. But wait a minute. Take a walk. Put a reminder down to bring it up tomorrow. Deal with it when you get home from work. Let cooler heads prevail.
**
When you get upset, when you catch your kid doing something they’re not supposed to do, make sure that you don’t punish them from a place of heightened emotion—whether that’s anger or fear or shame. Take a minute. Come up with a punishment that makes them better. Something that they wouldn’t choose to do but that is good for them. Vocab drills. Memorizing state capitals. Volunteering somewhere. Picking up trash. Painting the house.
Being an example
[! Nota benne]
Make it a teachable moment. Teach them that it’s possible to control how you react.“Daddy was rarely patient with foolishness or mistakes,” Carter would reflect eighty years later. But then, after a long pause, his father smiled and said, “Let them go, Hot. There are a lot more fish in the river. We’ll get them tomorrow.” All those years later, it was this moment of patience and kindness and forgiveness that Carter remembered.
**
You’re cementing a very specific voice in their head.
Everything we say, every interaction we have with our kids, is shaping them. How we speak to them informs how they will speak to themselves. If you want proof of this, think about all the complexes and scripts you picked up from your parents—maybe things you’re working on in therapy right now, decades later.
(…)
So while you can, before it’s too late . . . catch yourself. Think about how you can be an ancestor instead of a ghost. Make this interaction a kind one, a patient one, a friendly one. Speak to them the way you’d want them to speak to themselves. Because it’s not a matter of if they will internalize the things they heard growing up; it’s a matter of what they will internalize. ==Put a good voice in their head so they might remember the good stuff.==
**
What you really care about—what these rules actually represent—is obedience and control. What you’re really worried about, hence the fixation, is the deep-seated anxiety that you might be screwing them up.
Relax! Let this stuff go. Seriously, just let it go. You won’t regret it.
On arguments and criticism
Kind people are never involved in arguments, and those who like to argue are never kind.
(善者不辩，辩者不善)
—Lao Tzu
**
Nobody looks back on their lives or their kids’ lives and thinks: I’m so glad we got in all those arguments. I’m glad I was so hard on them. I’m glad they finally learned all the rules.
How long can you go without chiding your kids about this or that? Without making remarks about your teenager’s choices?
(…)
See if you can make the majority of your interactions uncritical. That doesn’t mean you have to be disingenuously positive about them, only that you try to stop bothering them about so much piddly crap.
So dial back the criticism. Remember: ==you don’t need to have an opinion about everything==. If you can keep some of that stuff in your back pocket, you’ll both be happier for it.
But maybe that was the problem: he’d used up all his patience at work and had none left for his family when he got home. Or maybe he held himself to a different standard professionally than personally, because it wasn’t in public. ==Or maybe he made the mistake that many of us do, forgetting that our children are little people with the same problems as everyone else, just of a different size. And because of that, we sometimes fail to treat them with the appropriate level of dignity, respect, and compassion. ==
On character
Character is fate.
—Heraclitus
Your job as a parent, as you seek to create a better world for your kids and raise them to be good in that world, is to value character. To teach it to them. To model it for them. To reward it when you see it in them. Yes, you want them to be smart. Yes, you want them to be ambitious. Yes, you want them to be creative and hardworking. But these traits are worthless if not yoked behind good character.
If, at some point in your life, you should come across anything better than justice, truth, self-control, courage—it must be an extraordinary thing indeed.
—Marcus Aurelius
- Courage: To stand up. To charge ahead. To not be afraid or timid in life.
- Moderation: To know balance. To be in control of oneself. To avoid excess or extremes. \
- Justice: To do the right thing. To care for others. To do your duty.
- Wisdom: To learn. To study. To keep an open mind.
As a parent, you must worship these virtues . . . and raise kids who do the same. You have to model these virtues and teach them—by example and by instruction—how they can too. Their life—and the future—hinges on it.
As Dr. Papanek explained his philosophy:
Punishment teaches the child only how to punish. Scolding teaches him how to scold. By showing him that we understand, we teach him to understand. By helping him, we teach him to help. He learns cooperation by cooperating.
==If you want your kids to clean up after themselves, you have to teach them why it matters==. If you want them to look after themselves, you have to teach them to find pride and satisfaction in that. If you want them to sweep the sheds, you have to teach them that it isn’t just a chore. It’s a statement of priority. A statement of character and commitment and self-sufficiency—an illustration of who you are.
[!NB] How we do anything is how we do everything is the lesson parents have to pass along to their kids. Leaving a mess isn’t just a mess—it shows that you’re a mess.
Readers very, very seldom get into trouble. They’re too busy. They already live in a world of high stakes—that of history, of great novels, of epic stories—why do they need to go around creating drama and problems in the real world?
Our job is to:
- live an honorable life
- treat our spouse well (and respect our marriage)
- teach our children to be honest and reliable
- refrain from spoiling them
What matters more than your kids’ grades in school is the priorities they pick up and the values they absorb. So that’s the question: ==Are you teaching them that test scores matter or that learning counts? Are you teaching them that success is winning arbitrary competitions or that it is becoming the best version of themselves? ==
Most parents would ask their kids, “How are your grades?” “Did you win?” “Are you number one in your class?” But after school, Diana Ross would ask, “Did you do your best? How do you feel about it, Tracee?”
… her mother’s emphasis taught her an essential perspective shift: “how to navigate a life through how it feels to you, as opposed to how it looks to everyone else.”
(…)
Be sure to check in with them about whether they did something kind. Ask them, every day:
- What good turn did you do today?
- What was something you did for someone else?
- Who did you help?
On competing
Compete with yourself and root for everybody else.
—Candice Millard
If you’re going to compete with anyone, we should tell our kids, compete with yourself, to be the best version of yourself. Compete over things you actually control. And make no mistake, we should take that advice ourselves.
(…)
Compete with yourself to be more present, to be kinder, to have more fun with your kids . . . to beat what you got from your own parents. ==Focus on the stuff that’s up to you, that can be an example for your kids as they grow into the people you want them to become.==
This is something we must teach our kids—moreover, we must demonstrate to our kids. ==By treating them well, by showing them compassion and empathy and unconditional love, we help not only them but everyone they encounter==. We can take heart knowing that this kindness, big and small, will ripple through their lives long after they’ve moved out, they’ve grown up, and we’re long gone.
We don’t stop at the finish line. We give our all to something. We concentrate on a single task until it’s done or until the clock runs out. We fill that unforgiving minute.
It’s the proper way to play . . . and to live.
In both instances, Ove’s father is showing his boy what decency looks like. Decency is about what you do. It’s not a standard you hold others to. Decency is what you do with money you find. It’s how you raise your kids. It’s not something you wield; it’s not something you gossip about. It’s something you embody and embrace.
You can teach your kids that whatever they’re facing, they can respond with:
- hard work
- honesty
- helping others as best they can
It’s not always going to lead to success, it’s harder to be kind than clever.”
Any system of education which does not inculcate moral values simply furnishes the intellectual equipment whereby men and women can better satisfy their pride, greed and lust.
—Hyman Rickover
…Ask if your brother or sister would think it was a good idea. Then keep going, and ask if a friend would think it was a good idea, or a teacher, even a kid you don’t like but think is smart. Explaining Kant’s categorical imperative to a five-year-old, ask, ==“Would it be okay if everyone did this? What would the world be like if every single person were allowed to do whatever I’m about to do?”==
As parents, we can choose which branches of the family to tell our kids about, which stories we want to highlight and which lessons we want to fill their heads with.
Who you are is more important than what you do. I’d rather you be good than successful. Character is more important than cash.
My whole theory about life is that glory and accomplishment are of far less importance than the creation of character and the individual good life.
On self-care and asking for help
Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?
—Marcus Aurelius
You can’t be a good parent if you’re hurting and not getting help. You can’t be a good parent all by yourself. None
The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood.
—Voltaire
We can transcend the bitter math. By working on ourselves and our relationships. By asking for help. By refusing to give up on dreams, even as we get older. By focusing on all the things that marriage and kids give us too, all the experiences we’ve gained and the opportunities created.
==To quit on ourselves is to quit on our kids—it’s teaching them a terrible lesson. ==
You have to take care of yourself. For them. For you. Because you’ll be a better parent if you’re healthy, happy, and wise. Don’t put this off. It’s not selfish. It’s essential.
A few minutes or a few hours—in the morning, at night, or in the middle of the day—this idea of sacred time is important. You have to carve it out. You have to stick to the schedule like clockwork, protect it as you would a doctor’s appointment or a big meeting.
[!Notta benne]
First, to enjoy the present while we have it.
Second, to remember how little we actually need in order to be happy, how wonderful the ordinary moments can be.
Third, to understand how quickly it can all be taken away.
On discipline
if you give them structure and routine, they can relax because they have less to figure out, less to worry about. Instead, they can explore. They can get comfortable and accept things. They can feel safe.
“If you don’t learn to let go of your mistakes today, they’ll compound tomorrow. Get some sleep and start again tomorrow.” I still remember that when I have bad parenting days. Tomorrow I’ve got to get up and start all over.
Keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.
— Epictetus
“If you dwell with a lame man, you will learn how to limp.”
— A proverb
Presence, being there, is the key to parenting. And what are drugs and addiction and unaddressed issues in our lives but means of not being there. Which is why we have to sober up and deal with our demons, because even if they don’t feel like they are actively manifesting themselves at home, they are. They are taking us away from our kids. They are putting us in a position to not be there for them when they need us (and they will need us).
That kind of self-inflicted disconnection is unacceptable.
All profound things, and emotions of things are preceded and attended by Silence… Silence is the general consecration of the universe.
—Herman Melville
If we just look within. We can find stillness, if we take advantage of the early morning before the house is awake or those precious minutes after the kids are in bed. But we really have to drink those moments in to get the most from them. We can’t defer these chances in favor of our phones or Netflix. We must take time with a journal. We must enjoy that cute but preposterously slow walk from school to the car or from the car back into the house. Soak up the quiet. Store these moments in your soul so you can have them always.
One great thing about having kids is that they force you into an active practice of love whether you are ready for it or not.
—Michael Ian Black
Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in at death. The higher the interest rate and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
==If you want to be a better parent, start going to bed earlier.== Give yourself a bedtime that you honor and respect and enforce. Value sleep. Take care of yourself. Everyone in your life will benefit.
(…) here you are, up late again, mindlessly watching TV. Here you are, tired in the morning—again—because you were up late on your phone. You could have gone to bed, you knew you should have gone to bed, but you didn’t.
Who suffers? Your kids do. Because you’re grouchy. Because you don’t have energy. Because you’re behind. Because maybe they even sense that you’re a hypocrite!
[!Just Pick Yourself Back Up]
No parent has time to indulge in pity parties. Nor can any parent justify a continued slide. We screw up. We fall short. We’re not what we want to be—what we promised ourselves we’d be, what we owe to our kids. And? We can choose right now to get back on track. We can choose right now to do better.No! It’s never too late. You still have so much time in front of you. So much ability, so much potential to fulfill. You decide the rest of the story. It’s up to you. But this is the important part: the story you decide for yourself is also going to determine what kind of stories your kids believe. Your story is the compass and the map on the journey that will lead them to realism, optimism, skepticism, cynicism, or fatalism.
Which will it be?
You’re grouchy and hate humanity after seeing too much of its underbelly on social media. You can’t pay attention to anything but your email. The phantom vibrations of the phone haunt you like a ghost.
A phone-free day can cure it. Going outside for a couple hours can refocus your mind and reset your spirit.
Whether it’s an adult doomscrolling or a kid going down a YouTube unboxing rabbit hole, when you spend too much time staring at a device, you get screensick.
In the start-up world, they say that if your company isn’t growing, it’s dying. In a way, it’s sort of true for people too. If you’re not actively developing yourself, what’s happening? You’re atrophying. You’re getting worse. Entropy is winning.
(…)
How are you improving yourself day to day? Are you working out? Are you reading? Are you setting goals for yourself? Are you clocking in at home as well as at the office?
Your kids will be better served by a parent who’s getting better. More important, they will be inspired by your example. Show them that you’re trying—that we can never stop trying—and they’ll follow you in their own way.
It’s your child’s job to figure out what they want to do in life. No parent can or should make their child master anything. But it is your job, especially when they’re young, to open their eyes, to introduce serendipity into the equation, to expose them to all the possibilities that life has to offer.
Show them what’s out there. Help them discover.
If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of you would dare to do the things… that have meaning for you as individuals… but not worrying if you don’t please everyone.
—Lillian Carter
People are ciphers, even our own kids. We are not nearly as good at evaluating ability and predicting the future as we think we are. So we have to be forgiving. We can’t jump to conclusions. We have to give kids the benefit of the doubt. We have to root for them, not write them off.
Paul Graham warns parents against fighting the last war—trying to get their kids into good colleges to then get good jobs available to smart people. ==Einstein wasn’t special because he was smart, Graham writes, but because he had original ideas. ==
Too many parents spend time either consciously or subtly telling their kids to think small, to be realistic, to consider the odds. But living in the same house as a professional athlete or a head of state or an award-winning author sends a powerful message: It can be done! It just takes work, dedication, and, of course, confidence.
==That’s your real job, whatever you do for a living. To show them what’s possible. To push them to go for it, whatever “it” is. ==
As you put your kid out there in softball or on the debate team, as you talk to them about their class rank or their mile time, make sure that you are letting them know that how they compare with other people is far less important than how they measure up against their own potential.
John Wooden—one of the winningest coaches in college basketball history—said it was what he learned from his father:
Dad’s message about basketball—and life—was this: “Johnny, don’t try to be better than somebody else, but never cease trying to be the best you can be. You have control over that. The other you don’t.”
It was simple advice: work hard, very hard, at those things I can control and don’t lose sleep over the rest of it.
“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”
It’s their life, after all. Learn how to say yes. ==Learn how to advise them on what they are going to do anyway—so that if you can’t stop it, you can at least prepare them. Be someone who helps, not the kind of parent who only gets in the way.==
The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is so we might listen more and talk less.
—Zeno
We are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not an act but a habit.
The real question as parents, then, is ==What are we making our kids do?==
Excellence isn’t something we pursue as a destination. It’s something we pursue in the doing. Day in and day out. In the little things as well as the big things. It’s something that emerges when we turn that type of pursuit, through action, into a habit. And it’s our job as parents to help our kids understand this. To help them realize who they are by what they do day to day, what they do this day, today.
We are what we do repeatedly.
I would rather have questions that can’t be answered than answers that can’t be questioned.
—Richard Feynman
We want our kids to make the world a better place; we want them to improve things; we want them to be better than us.
That can’t happen if they are complacent, if they are credulous, if they don’t think they are empowered to subject their reality to even the simplest interrogation and demand answers accordingly.
“Why?” is a great question. Help them see that.
And then help them answer it.
Meaning not “Did you guys win?” or “Did you pass?” but “Did you have fun?” or “Did you do your best?” or “What do you think you could have done better to prepare?”
They don’t need a drill sergeant in the living room. They don’t need someone calling them out. They don’t need someone telling them the hard truths. They don’t even necessarily need your money to put them in that
==What they need is a fan. They need someone who supports them, who loves them, who is rooting for them. They need a fan with a healthy relationship to the game—not a stalker or a tyrant.==
Just be a fan. It’s not that complicated.
Yelling. Blunt truths. Endless workouts. Emotional manipulation. These things work… but they also come at a steep emotional cost. ==Encouragement and genuine support, on the other hand, work equally well and have the added benefit of bringing you closer to your kids and making you both better people. ==
Choose the right form of motivation. Not the harshest.
Watch your words. Count your yeses and nos. Be intentional about what you focus on. Let the little things go. Be positive.
“We’re not raising grass,” his father replied. “We’re raising boys.”
Success as a parent is not defined by having a car with spotless back seats. It’s not having a perfectly decorated house filled with fragile things that never get broken. A kid’s room should look like it was played in. A home should feel lived in. We should see their fingerprints everywhere—literally and figuratively.
The yard is there to be played in. The bike is made to be ridden, not kept in the garage in pristine condition. Your floors will be scratched. Food will be spilled. Messes will accumulate. Noises will be made.
Good. We’re not trying to keep a spotless, quiet house. We’re raising healthy, well-adjusted, happy children.
This should sober us as parents. We are responsible for the voice that will live inside our kids’ head for the rest of their lives. We decide whether that voice will belong to a ==wise and patient ancestor or a cruel and unpredictable ghost==. We decide whether it will be a voice of conscience and kindness or doubt and insecurity. We decide that by what we say to them, by what we show them.
In each moment of every day.
On happiness
If our kids are having fun, if they’re happy, if they’re learning, if they’re building bonds with teammates, then nothing else matters. Our duty as parents is not to optimize our kids for success. It’s to teach them how to be present, how to find things they love, how to be a good person, how to respond to the situations life puts them in. That’s it.
Everything else? What do we care?
The best way to make children good is to make them happy.
—Oscar Wilde
We have to consider the implications of the words we throw about like that. Because our kids are listening, and they really hear us. They are always trying to understand themselves and their place in the world. The things we say today, when they are young, will come back to them when they are older, and they will fit those words, for better and for worse, into the narrative of their lives.
In that sense, parenting is an impossible job with impossible expectations. Yet in another, very real sense, being a parent is actually about the easiest job in the world. Because what do they really need? What is really demanded of you? That you love them. That you accept them. That you support and encourage them. That you cheer for them. That you be their biggest fan.
==That is an incredible gift to give your children. Permission to try… along with permission to fail. ==The signal that you’ll support them either way, that nothing changes based on the path they choose, the heights they reach, or the marks they fall short of.
…did getting yelled at help? What you really wanted—what you needed—was for someone to see why you were doing these things. You needed someone to guide you back to the right path and to help you realize the consequences of being off it.
==Patience and discipline.== That was what you needed. So give those things to your kids. They deserve it.
The right supporting cast is everything. Timing is everything. We have to be patient. We have to be flexible. We can’t stop rooting for them, believing in them. We have to take a page from these sports teams that, understanding they have a very valuable asset on their hands, do not despair when things don’t immediately click. No, when things aren’t working, they invest more. They don’t blame the star. They blame the system… and then try to fix it. And the fans cheer like crazy the whole time.
On reading and learning
“In this life,” he would say, “the big, strong guys are always taking from the smaller, weaker guys but . . . the smart take from the strong.”
It’s simple fatherly wisdom: use your brain. It’s the secret weapon of underdogs everywhere, available to all and always free.
We learn through stories—whether it’s the story of Cincinnatus or a story about the time when you were their age. We learn when people share moments of vulnerability, of their hard-won experience. ==We don’t like it when people tell us the point; we like it when they show us.==
So stop thinking about giving them all the answers and start thinking about stories to tell that make the answers self-evident. It’s the best way to teach.
To learn is simply to allow something to be done to you, and to be quickly persuaded is natural for those who are less able to offer resistance.
—Plutarch
A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.
—George R. R. Martin
A child learns more in one split second, carving a little stick, than in whole days, listening to a teacher.
—Simón Rodríguez
But what we can influence is whether they’re curious. We can encourage this instinct—asking them questions and rewarding them for asking their own. We can cultivate this instinct until it becomes a personality trait—finding all sorts of interesting things and showing them to our kids. And we can demonstrate it—pouring fuel on the sparks of curiosity they exhibit by engaging with the things we’re curious about too.
The discovery of the power of thought. Not only did I become aware of this powerful mechanism, the brain, but I became aware of an unlimited mass of material that was lying about the world waiting to be stuffed into the brain.
the two main things he would have studied were: writing and public speaking.
…kids these important skills—to make sure they’re able to express themselves on the page and in person. We’ve got to give them the opportunities to get up and address an audience—and encourage the confidence required to be comfortable doing so.
==Whatever happens in the future, communication will be key (and king). It’s your job to make sure they’re ready. ==
We have to cultivate their curiosities, whatever they may be. We have to encourage their interests, without any thought of whether or not they might be able to profit from them.
We don’t have to be special, or specialists, to give them this unusual advantage.
But curious is better than complacent, and annoying is better than ignorant.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
—Gandhi
==If you want them to be readers, you have to design the environment of a reader, as an architect does. You have to surround them with books. Good ones. Silly ones. Short ones. Long ones. Used ones. New ones.== You have to display them prominently in your house. You have to take your kids to libraries and independent bookstores. Otherwise, how else could they possibly become readers?
We don’t control what happens in life. We control how we respond.
==Teach your kids not to wallow in these misfortunes but to focus on what is next.== Guide them to put their energy toward their response. Because that’s what’s up to them. That is the superpower they have. If you teach them that, they have it.
Be a guide; don’t be a bean dad.
[!On courage]
You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.
If we, as parents, look at everything being thrown at us as problems, as a burden, we are going to get burned out… fast. But if, instead, ==we can see the good in each of these issues, if we can focus on the opportunity within each obstacle, not only will we be more likely to make it through, but we’ll be better parents for it. ==
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
—Charles Dickens
everyone is going through something…
This is something we have to teach our kids. Life isn’t easy. No one is dealt a perfect hand. Some troubles are visible. Some aren’t. ==But we’re all struggling with something. When our kids understand this, they’ll feel better about those difficult moments.== And they will be armed with the empathy they need to be kinder and more understanding of other kids too.
You could tell them they have to go to bed . . . or you could stay up and watch TV together.
Look for the excuse. Find the opportunities.
==Better yet, let them infect you with their sincerity and the clarity of their passion.
Whatever you do, don’t let your cynicism infect them. ==
It is so easy to fall into the clutches of forces like contempt and wallflower nihilism and superiority. But this kind of cynicism, a wise man once said, is really a kind of cowardice. It voids creativity, collaboration, and connection.
women—real artists and entrepreneurs and leaders know the truth. ==Kids are not a burden or an impediment to success. They help us. They give us purpose and clarity and, most important, balance.==
(…)
So actually maybe family does hold you back . . . from getting in trouble. From biting off more than you can chew. From thinking you’re bigger or more important than you are. It holds you down . . . to reality, to what actually matters. It makes you realize that you’re loved, that you’re enough. And as it happens, all of this can make you better at what you do.
…the way they call for you at night, the way they feel safe enough to cry around you. These things are an honor. They are incredible gestures of vulnerability and trust and love.
A parent who faces the fact that they can lose a child at any moment is a parent who is present. They don’t rush through bedtime. They see it as the gift that it is. They don’t hold on to stupid things. A great parent looks at the cruel world and says, “I know what you can do to my family in the future, but for the moment you’ve spared me. I will not take that for granted.”
As you kiss your son good night, says Epictetus, whisper to yourself, “He may be dead in the morning.” Don’t tempt fate, you say. By talking about a natural event? Is fate tempted when we speak of grain being reaped?
I remember one long-ago evening, on an overcrowded train to Philadelphia, hearing a young woman moan to her mother, “God I wish we were there already!” Her white-haired mother replied eloquently, “Darling, never wish away a minute of your life.”
The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.
– Bruce Lee
…if you were given a few months or years to live—what would you immediately spend less time doing? What is the “this” that Marcus Aurelius referred to that you would cut out?
I didn’t see why it had to be either/or. . . . If you have a job in the daytime, you write at night. It’s all a question of how much you want to do it.
— Margaret Atwood
==Part of that is also looking for the moments inside the moments, when we can find the time, squeeze it like an orange for all it’s worth, and get our work in too.==
We can do this. We have to do this. It’s not impossible. It’s been done by people who had it harder than us. Toni Morrison did it. Susan Straight did it. You can do it. Whether it’s writing or going back to law school or training for a marathon, you can find the time.
You don’t have to give up. You don’t have to be realistic. Just be creative.
Even if it’s the thousandth time. In fact, say yes because it’s the thousandth time. Because that’s the time that counts.
You never know when you’ll get another time. None of us know how long we’ve got. None of us know how many more times we have. So say yes. Make this thousandth one count like it was the first.
What decisions are you making now, and how will you think about them then?
Think about what most parents regret as they come to the end of life: They wish they’d expressed their love for their kids more. They regret not spending more time with their kids. They regret not telling them often enough how proud of them they were. They regret taking things too seriously. They regret letting petty differences or petty problems loom larger than the love that they felt in their hearts. They regret not being present, spending all that energy trying to organize perfect “quality” time when there was so much ordinary, wonderful garbage time to be had. They regret spoiling their kids, not teaching them the right lessons, not having the conversations that needed to be had.
When we rush, we should know that we are hurrying through life. We are zipping through their childhood—the exact thing that we will stop and miss at some point not long from now. How much of this will seem important then? How much would we give to get back a few of the minutes that right now we seem to want to be over as quickly as possible?
So slow down. Savor it.
And the parent who thinks this is an occupation you “win,” who believes parenting is measured mostly by those special, big moments, is missing a lot of majestic life as well.
You won’t need to schedule as much quality time with your kids if you realize that it’s all quality time.
You won’t need to do a whole lot of things when you realize they don’t really matter. And when you drop them, you’ll have more space and more freedom.
You have to stop with this idea that you are rushed, that it all needs to be squeezed in—because it’s the urgency and franticness that are actually speeding things up.
Don’t take it for granted. Don’t let your mind or your attention drift. Don’t get too anxious (or ambitious) about the future at the expense of the present. Just be here now. Be with them.
Shouldn’t we want them to develop the ability to focus and pursue their curiosity? Isn’t it worth it for them to get a little dirty or for you to show up to the birthday party a bit late because they were really, intensely alive for a few minutes?
forget what you were bothered about at work. Forget what is happening in the news. Forget what you and your spouse are fighting about. Be with your kids. Be with your family.
Life is short. Your family is what matters. Your kids are what matters. So forget all the things you’d like to do “someday.” Do them with your kids now.
Every moment is a chance to parent. Indeed, you are shaping them in every moment, whether you intend to or not. Every moment could be the moment. So you can’t rush through them, you can’t assume they don’t matter, you can’t lower your standards for yourself. Because this could be the last, best moment you get.
[!NB]
Gunther’s wife, Frances, writes, “Johnny lay dying of a brain tumor for fifteen months. He was in his seventeenth year. I never kissed him goodnight without wondering whether I should see him alive in the morning. I greeted him each morning as though he were newly born to me, a re-gift of God. Each day he lived was a blessed day of grace.”
Act tonight as if it were your last time together. Soak it in. Appreciate it. Be everything they need. And then in the morning, arise and be surprised, grateful, blessed, by the grace of another try. Then live accordingly.
As the great author of children’s books Adam Rubin has said: we can, by the choices we make today, tell our future selves that we did everything we could. That we soaked it in. That we didn’t rush through it. That we told them what they meant to us.
Do your future self the favor of a lifetime. Don’t take this moment for granted. Don’t let your temper rule. Don’t be stubborn. Don’t value the wrong things. Love now, while you can. Embrace the moment while you can. Don’t rush away from it while it’s still here.
…Bob Saget took a second to send what neither of them could have known would be his last text. “Thank u,” he wrote. “Love u. Showtime!” Hours later, he’d be found dead, tragically, in his Orlando hotel room at age sixty-five.
No one knows what their last words will be. No one knows how much time they have. ==So let’s use the time we have, before we lose the time we’re never guaranteed. Let’s make sure we tell our kids how we feel about them while we can. ==
[!To remember]
I hold my children, and I hold my wife, and I know that they will die. And I know that it could happen before I die. So I know that our time together is finite. It will end. And so I appreciate them so much more. I marvel at the fact that these particular collections of cells coalesced around these souls for a temporary period, and I’m so lucky to get to be here at the same time as the little collection of cells and bones and nostril hairs. And so I really make the most of it in a way I didn’t before. And I wish that that skill didn’t come from something so painful. But it did. That was the price tag for me to receive that gift. And now I have it, and I appreciate it.
Life is short. Do not forget about the most important things in our life, living for other people and doing good for them.
—Marcus AureliusI’ve never met a thirteen-year-old who said, “My dad was never around because he was always working, but I have a sweet mountain bike so it was all worth it.”
—Jon Acuff
So here on Christmas, and throughout this holiday season, take some time to think about what it will take to have that. Think about the choices you’re making with your kids now so that they’ll choose to fly from their homes to yours when they’re older and have families of their own. Think about the gifts you have to give them today—your love, your support, your presence—to receive the gift of a crowded table in the future.
“Do you know what success is? Success is when your children want to be with you when they’re adults. How many people have all the material stuff, and their kids don’t come home for the holidays? Come on.”
Books recommendations
- Melinda Wenner Moyer (author of the fantastic How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes)
- Veautiful children’s book Each Kindness, Jacqueline Woodson
- Rudyard Kipling’s beautiful poem “If,” which was written as advice for Kipling’s son
- There’s a great children’s book called Most People that reminds us.
- The Gift of Failure (a great book for parents and teachers)
- Mastery, Robert Greene
- Cormac McCarthy talks about “carrying the fire” in his haunting novel The Road, which he wrote for his son.
- Parents Who Lead, Dr. Stewart Friedman
- Adam Rubin’s children’s books (Dargons Loves Taco, Ice Cream Machine)